What is low self-esteem?

Self-esteem is how we perceive ourselves- what we feel we are worth and what value we believe we hold. Low self- esteem, therefore, refers to when an individual feels that they are lacking in worth, value and a sense of who they are in comparison to others.

How do I know if I have low self-esteem?

One way to notice how you feel about yourself is being aware of how you talk to yourself - it will tell you a lot about how you view yourself and what you feel you are worthy of.

Other signals you may notice might be comparison with others, or making decisions in your life always based on what others think you should do, or what you imagine others would want from you. It can be accompanied by a lack of feeling in control of your own life or being able to make choices based on your own wants and needs. You may find it hard to say no or you may feel that you’re not really deserving of good things.

What impacts my self-esteem?

We all feel low self-esteem in our lives at some point. Our self-esteem (who we feel we are) can often be impacted by circumstances and people around us and that starts at a very early age in our development, whether through parents, community, peers, teachers, or whoever we engage with in the world. As social creatures we soak in the opinions, comments, nuances of body language and behaviours of other people - whether we realise it (consciously) or not (sub-consciously) and it all builds up a picture within us of who we really are.

Someone may be able to locate that they have low self-esteem very easily. It may impact their life to the extent that they don’t feel any control over their own life or choices, or barely hold a sense of self. But it can also impact individuals in very subtle ways, whether it’s not feeling worthy of their place in the supermarket queue or feeling uncomfortable with any genuine expression of affection or praise at work for example.

Self-esteem and different viewpoints

Self-esteem can be a contentious phrase in the Christian world.

Whilst this article does not seek to argue with or rip apart theological perspectives- after all, there are many and each has a different starting point- there is an important perspective to bring as we look at the theme of self-esteem.

We were born human. Whether theologically we believe that we were born evil or born good, what we can all agree on is that as babies we grow and develop a sense of ‘self’. In a healthy situation, this ‘self’ is nurtured and developed. We develop a sense of being in the world, of curiosity, of safety, of likes and dislikes. We learn of our ability to make choices, to reason, to assert ourselves in the world and relate to others. This is what is means to be human, created by God. This is important to remember, because the self-esteem we are talking about is not a self-centric ‘I can do this life without God’ or ‘I don’t need his love because I love myself already’. But instead a sense that we have a place in the world and that that is good and God-given.

Where is God in our low self-esteem?

The simple answer to that is that:

a) He believes we are the bees’ knees* and

b) our life experiences often lead us to find it really hard to believe that concept.

Rather than feelings of low self-esteem being something we can become aware of and explore, we can often find ourselves feeling shame or guilt (low self-worth anyone?) for how we feel about ourselves, and how we must be disappointing God for feeling that way. We may even be told by others that we are wrong for feeling that way because God disagrees. But shame can push us even further away from the truth about who we really are despite the reality that in his eyes, we have worth, we have value and are loved.

When we feel a low sense of self-worth we can sometimes tell ourselves that we ‘shouldn’t’ feel or think that way because God loves us, referencing scriptures that tell us how we instead ‘should’ feel.

However sometimes that can become a small sticky plaster over a gaping wound that needs attention, because in essence we’re trying to convince ourselves of something we don’t believe. Does God’s word re-shape our thinking and sense of self? Absolutely! Can his Word tear down things we think about ourselves that aren’t true? 100% yes! But God invites us into that journey, not by slapping us with his Word but by gently encouraging us to explore why we don’t believe it, to notice and to encounter him as we encounter ourselves.

There’s no denying that when we have low self-esteem and we first come to God, we’ll often feel a sense of self increase i.e a sense of being wanted, of being loved, of even being liked! It is testament to God’s nature as a healing God that even just knowing God changes something within us feeling more loved.

But, when we notice a huge chasm between how God perceives us versus how we perceive us, there’s an invitation to notice how we feel about ourselves and to even begin to challenge those thoughts.

Some helpful ideas and activities

If you can identify with any of the above and have low self-worth, there are some things you could do that may help you.

Ask people you trust to make a list of positive qualities they see in you. Maybe you could do this with a group of friends and add to each other’s lists? This won’t change your self-perception overnight! But it does help to increase peer support and build self-confidence.
Regularly make time for doing things that you enjoy, maybe visit your favourite coffee shop or take a walk you enjoy. You may find it hard even recognising what you enjoy- take some time to find out! Doing things you like on a regular basis can build in the habit of recognising your own needs and desires which may have previously been neglected or ignored.
Regularly practice activities you enjoy doing, for example a hobby or craft, or learning a new language. Improving your skills in an activity or craft can increase your confidence levels.
Develop a nurturing, kind vocabulary- maybe a list of words and phrases- and practise using it regularly. Avoid statements that include ‘I should’ or ‘I must’ as these imply living to someone else’s expectations. Instead, consider how you might speak to a child and offer encouragement rather than criticism i.e if you drop something, ‘never mind, that will be easy to clean up’ or if you make a mistake, ‘It’s OK, you’re OK, nobody’s perfect’. Recognising our self-talk and replacing it can build kindness and self-nurture as adults, impacting our sense of self.
Take a pause before saying ‘yes’ to someone. Reflect on why you are saying yes; ‘Is this to please the other or is it what I want and need to do?’ If you find this hard, explore and challenge your fears behind saying no and even practice saying it and noticing what comes up as you do. By taking a step back from your commitments you can start to recognise your own needs, desires, preferences and opinions. By learning to respond to these, you will develop self-awareness and assertiveness.
Consider how you interact with God’s Word. When you read a verse about who he says you are, notice how it makes you feel. Do you agree? Do you disagree? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Be curious- ask yourself why and consider whether you’ve always felt that way. These are the first steps in exploring where your thoughts about yourself may have started and empowering you to challenge them. Try asking yourself with curiosity: ‘If God says I am ______, then why do I believe I am ________? Rather than ‘If God says I am _______, then I should believe I am ________’.
As you grow in self-understanding you may feel confident enough to begin to challenge some of your perceptions and beliefs about yourself. Don’t rush this process! Let yourself play around with Bible verses- personalise them, be creative with them. Why not ask God what he says about you in response to each particular thought that you have?

These are just some ways to begin to develop your own sense of self and explore your low self-esteem. As always, we recommend support - whether from a trusted friend or a counsellor who may help you explore your own perceptions and beliefs further.