When considering the term self-harm, a number of perspectives come into play. Maybe you have a friend or family member who struggles with self-harm and you are looking for help. Maybe you are supporting someone pastorally in your church or maybe you have used pain yourself as a coping technique…
Whichever angle you read this article from, we hope to bring clarity over what self-harm is and hopefully debunk some unhelpful myths. Hopefully, this article will help to provide some next steps, or even just allow you to be seen if this is something that you are coping with each day.
Self-harm is a broad umbrella term for harming oneself as a way of coping.
It can bring about a sense of short-term relief from distress someone may be experiencing either through overwhelming experiences, memories or feelings like intense anger or stress. Self-harm can be a way of an individual expressing their inner emotional pain. It can also be a means of self-punishment, a way to feel in control or to avoid traumatic memories.
It can be common to feel an ‘urge’ to want to self-harm, or for it to be triggered by a moment, event, sensation that compels a response or desire to feel release. The urge to self-harm can be accompanied by feelings of low worth or self-hatred.
To those on the outside of the experience, it may seem counterintuitive to inflict harm on self in order to alleviate pain. But to the individual experiencing it, feeling something when feeling emotionally numb or empty, or it being like an expression outwardly of what’s taking place inwardly can bring relief, if only for a short time. Self-harm can also give the feeling that internal stress or anxiety is somehow being managed and controlled.
There are several beliefs swirling around- let’s be honest, particularly in Christian circles- that can make an individual’s healing journey much more complicated. Let’s unpack them here.
Unhelpful Myths
The problem will go away if we don’t draw attention to it
The exact opposite is actually true. (and, if left unchallenged, this belief can make us complicit in a church culture that hides abuse and other harm). The more self-harm is brushed away or kept quiet or secretive, the more harmful it can become. Those who self-harm need a safe and welcoming space that encourages them to be open with peers or those close to them. Shame will never benefit a person and instead cause the problem to become more private and the individual more isolated.
The more attention we draw to it, the more we condone it.
No. In order to support and help, we HAVE to be prepared to challenge the stigma surrounding self-harm. We HAVE to be able to embrace this as not something to be ashamed of or alienated because of. If someone is in pain because they’ve broken their leg at Monday night football, we don’t tell them they should be ashamed for the noise they’re making and throw bible verses at them about how they haven’t looked after their body. In the same way, we must approach the outward expression of inward pain with gentleness, understanding and be willing to give that pain a voice- should it wish to be heard.
By giving a person alternative ways to express their pain (see list below) we are still promoting causing pain to self.
No, they are already in pain. If we focus our attention on the ‘act’ then we lose sight of the reason behind the self-harm, the why behind the what. The internal pain or distress someone is in should be our focus. However, there can be complications of ongoing self-harm leading to medical intervention and so alternative methods can be helpful in helping alleviate ‘the urge’ and the possible complications of self-injury.
Self-harm is a way of attention seeking
This is a myth that, troublingly, has done a great deal of damage both inside and outside of the church. If we can re-shape our thinking to understand that those who self-harm are not attention-seeking but seeking release from the distress they are experiencing, then our ability to care, to be present and to be a listening ear should it be needed will be positively impacted.
Self-harm is an intent to commit suicide
Self harm can be entirely unrelated to suicidal thoughts or intent. Just because someone self-harms, doesn’t mean they are entertaining thoughts of suicide. However it is worth noting that the persistent feelings of self-hatred and low worth can sometimes exacerbate the ideation of suicide, along with the persistent pattern of causing damage to the body. If you are supporting an individual, keep open communication with them.
Along with myths, there are a number of unhelpful Bible passages that have been used in order to try and stop someone from self-harming. The premise of this is if we can make someone feel guilty or bad for doing it, via scripture no less, then they will stop. Whilst the passages themselves are full of truth -yes, our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit and are therefore sacred, for example- it is not helpful to share this with someone in the hope that this will deter them. It won’t. It’s important to remember that individuals who self-harm are not trying to go against the truth of God, they are struggling to cope with the build up of stress/ anger/fear inside of them, and that should be our starting place- safety, no judgement, kindness. If there is already a perception in someone that they are not worthy or deserving of kindness or love, or they are punishing themselves, then using scriptures in this way will only increase that sense.
We strongly recommend that these passages are not taken out of context to try and address someone’s urge to self-harm. They can do much more harm than good.
Next Steps
If you struggle with self-harm:
If you are self-harming, you are not faulty or a bad Christian. You are in pain, and you deserve for that to be recognised.
If you are self-harming there are ways to help you deal with the sometimes-overwhelming feelings or experiences you are living with. If you feel this is out of control or taking over your life, talk to a trusted professional or seek help.
Expression of feelings is key- by any mode. If talking isn’t your bag, or a place you’re at, then there are other means of expression. Creative forms particularly are helpful in enabling us to connect with our feelings without having to put words to them, and instead use the arts- dance or movement, drama, art or music (drumming can be a really effective expression of anger and pain) and all of which enable expression of our internal world. Church hasn’t historically been comfortable with expression, so it may be that you notice some barriers to self-expression in your own world- notice them.
Where to get help
If you or someone else is in danger, call 999 or go to A&E
If you need urgent help for your mental health, get help from NHS 111 online or call 111
The National Self-Harm Network is a support forum for those who are struggling or ideating: https://www.nshn.co.uk/
Harmless “the national centre of excellence for self harm and suicide prevention” provide support and information: www.harmless.org.uk
You can also call your local GP
Speak to your counsellor
If you are supporting someone who self-harms:
Your job is not to relieve them of their internal pain. Don’t try it, don’t do it. If you aren’t qualified to help individuals locate and express their inner world, don’t do it. Help the individual- if they want- to find someone who can help. Some individuals may never feel comfortable revealing that pain to anyone- don’t expect it, don’t push for it.
If your family member or friend is self-harming, take steps to be a safe person. No preaching, no using Bible verses to shame them, just a safe listening ear should they need. Be aware of your own responses to heightened or uncomfortable emotions. How comfortable do you feel expressing your feelings healthily? You may want to become comfortable with basic first aid. This can feel uncomfortable, almost a kind of ‘just accepting this is how it is’- yes, that is what it is. Your job is not to rescue or prevent it. Your job is to be there with kindness and care.
Think about how you can help others to understand their emotions in a simple way, ie there are many great resources available now to help children and adults understand their emotions and self-regulation. Learn how to self-soothe in order to share with others, and never underestimate the role of kindness, encouraging others to be kind to themselves- their inner voice, their self-care actions, all these speak of letting pain be allowed to come out in healthy ways.
It can be really hard to see a loved one hurting themselves. If you need to, find help and speak with someone you trust about how it is impacting you.