Grief & Loss

How can I support a friend who has experienced a recent bereavement?

There is no rule book for processing grief. Everyone experiences and expresses it differently. The following suggestions are both ways you can support your friend and ideas your friend may wish to consider to help them begin to process their emotions and experiences.  

• Often straight after the bereavement, the instinct is to give someone space although that can be the time when someone needs to know most that they are not alone. Try to resist the temptation to back off until they contact you and instead, let them know that you are there. 

• Be aware that the weeks and months after the bereavement are often the hardest as that is when everyone goes back to their normal routine and lives, leaving those deep in grief with a sense of detachment from normality. 

• Encourage your friend to feel - fully feel. It sounds obvious, but the waves of extreme emotions you experience when bereaved can be really hard to fully allow. Guilt, anger, sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, amongst many other emotions, will rise and fall – encourage space to be made for all according to whatever they need.

• Grief is experienced entirely differently by each person. No experience of grief is the same. Avoid any kind of language that compares or suggests they should be moving through or feeling better or moving on in their grief. 

• Be directive in your practical support. Don’t tell them to just ask if they need anything.  Instead, let them know what you’ll do and check that suits them. (“I was just popping to the shops. I’ll pick up some dinners for you- will you be in if I drop them off at 7?”)

• You could offer your friend a means of personal expression, should they want to use it. You might know that they journal, or paint, or enjoy using spreadsheets for example. They might want to just write or create or make lists - anything that allows them to honestly and authentically process and express what comes up for them as they grieve. 

• Be mindful of significant dates that may have been celebrated or remembered in some way. Your friend may wish to mark those dates in a personal way e.g. visit a significant place, go for a walk, think of a significant activity (for example place flowers, release a balloon, read out a letter etc). Making space to mark a significant date helps with processing grief and loss. 

• Make a memory box. This involves putting together a box with photos, letters, memories etc. They can go through the box when they want to remember the person and allow themselves space to grieve. Creating a memory box is a good way of remembering loved ones. It also gives the feeling of protecting or gathering positive memories. 

• It can be really helpful to talk to a trusted friend or trained person who can help someone process all that comes up as they grieve. 

• It can be tempting to offer simple comments when we are unsure of what to say. Avoid using spiritual language or out of context bible verses that are unrelated to grief and imply in any way that they should be more hopeful/ joyful/ strong and courageous/ happy their loved one is with Jesus. It will do more harm to supress deep sorrow than aide recovery. 

• Write an ‘unsent letter’ to the person you lost. Write down what you miss, your memories (good and bad), what you might have liked to say to them, any regrets you may have etc. You can even process any forgiveness this way too and make peace, as you heal. Writing a letter provides you with a space to express your honest thoughts and feelings in order to explore further any themes that may come up. Letter writing also allows thoughts and feelings to be processed that were previously unacknowledged.

• It is normal to want to avoid painful feelings and memories. Escapism through addictive coping mechanisms, ie alcohol in excess, electronics, over-working or recreational drugs may offer very short term relief, but addictive behaviours make it more difficult to manage our feelings and ultimately to heal. 

• Encourage your friend to seek advice when making any significant decisions especially those with long-term consequences or which are life-altering in some way. Grief and loss causes confusion and it can influence our decision making ability. This is because our brain is actually functioning differently with higher levels of stress hormones. It is common to experience confusion and memory loss during this time.

It is worth remembering that if you feel a pull to want to fix or move your friend through their grief, take a step back. This is their life, their journey, their pain and you as a friend are there to love, to bring kindness and to listen. The above ideas may or may not be useful to your friend as this experience will be unique to them. What you can do without restraint is bring them before the God who sees deep into their pain, who weeps with them and who loves them.

Artificial Stabilisers

As you go through our Keys to Freedom Workbook, you’ll find an illustration of a child's bike that has stabilisers on it. This image describes the way that we as humans often rely on things in life to keep us both safe and stable, coping strategies that act as a substitute for the role of God in our lives. 

Within church we may be familiar with teachings that tell us how important it is to rely on God. We all believe it is important for us to surrender to him and to let him rule our lives. And yet the reality of this concept presents us with a number of challenges.

The aim of this article is to help us notice those challenges rather than ignoring them. But also to confront the perceptions we may have around the teaching, to understand further the heart of God and how he cares for us, in order for us to consider laying down our stabilisers.

Firstly let's see what the Bible says about relying fully on God:

Isaiah 26:4. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding

James 4:7 submit yourselves then to God.

Jeremiah 10:23 Lord I know that people's lives are not their own it is not for them to direct their steps

Romans 12:12 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Noticing what your internal response is as you read those verses this will give you an idea of your starting point. Please note it is OK for you to read these verses and feel like depending on God isn't something you are comfortable doing. At worst it may bring up terror within you.

Let's be fully honest right now, what God seems to be suggesting is that we let go of anything that gets in the way of our dependence on him and what that might mean for some of us is huge.

Before we go any further our first point is to recognise the nature of God within this. He is not a God who is demanding, who has extremely high expectations or who is cruel. Our God does not walk up to a human on crutches and kick the crutch out from underneath them ruthlessly demanding them to do better and just try walking alone. If that image of God resonates with you right now take a moment to notice it because it may be that before you consider artificial stabilisers you may wish to make space to heal from wherever that concept of God has come from in your life. 

The reality could not be further from the truth. As the most loving father, God’s desire is that he would be the all-providing all-nurturing God of comfort, peace and provision that you need from your heavenly parent. Not because he has an ego that needs massaging but because he's a loving parent who loves his child so much that he wants to, and can be, everything that you could ever need. It gives him pleasure to bring you comfort, it gives him pleasure to meet your needs, because you bring him pleasure and not only does he want to provide all these things for you but he can provide all these things for you. It is a love exchange not a demanding command.

As we consider what artificial stabilisers we have in our own lives, there may be a number of thoughts that come to mind. I find it helpful to imagine a scale in my mind. At one end of the scale there is a mobile phone, a vape, maybe a packet of biscuits or an online shopping cart. And all the way at the other end of the scale there may be isolating, intellectualising, multiple sexual partners, spiritualising, high achieving, for example. At one end of the scale is more specific habits and items we use and the other end more general (and maybe harder to identify) ways of being. Each example listed relates to our human experience where there is something that we need that we are trying to meet ourselves whether that be safety, comfort, emotional regulation or a way of hiding, all born out of what we need.

Which brings me to the key to all of this... our needs. 

The role of a parent is to meet the needs of a child. As children we all had needs and those needs were valid and essential for our survival. We needed to be fed, we needed to be held, we needed to be loved, we needed to be kept warm (Maslow's hierarchy of needs might be helpful if you wish to look further at this subject). We needed comfort if we hurt ourselves, we needed safety where we felt scared, amongst many other things.

When we are able to recognise where maybe some of those needs in childhood weren't met, we can start to piece together where some of our own artificial stabiliser behaviours may come from. We may start to see that a number of patterns of our behaviour are actually about ways that we are meeting our own needs ourselves because they weren't met for us when they needed to be - or whether they were met in ways that, now, don’t seem quite so healthy for us as adults. 

Here's an example: As a child, whenever Sarah was upset or emotional, her mum would simply hand her a sweet treat. It made her feel good, it stopped her tears. Her need in that moment was for comfort, whilst her mum may have sought to appease her need, it wasn’t met in a healthy way- through emotional response and physical comfort of presence, but instead, through food. Now as an adult, Sarah finds herself reaching for sweet food in order to feel that comfort she needed whenever she feels emotions rising. The food makes her feel good and comforted- but the experience is short-lived and ultimately leaves Sarah feeling worse than before. If Sarah were to consider this as an artificial stabiliser, how might she want God to meet that need within her? 

Another example - this one is about significance: Alex’s experience as a child was with a father who loved him but made him feel as if he never quite measured up. As Alex grew, his need to feel significant and valued by his Dad drew him into high powered, high stress jobs. Through these, he gained a name for himself, respect from peers and a high salary, but ultimately driven by his need for value, this stabiliser can only be met by a God who gives us our worth.  

Maybe by understanding this about ourselves, we can start to find some self-compassion for our ways of being and behaviours that seem so hard to give up or walk away from or hand over to God. Maybe, we can start to entertain the idea that God feels the same way too- compassionate, understanding, empathetic and gentle to our ways that have felt so safe to us, despite offering us-often- very little safety or resolution in reality. 

And so, what next?

Once we are aware of our artificial stabilisers, and the role that they play in meeting our needs, what do we do with them? Remembering that ‘My God shall supply all your needs according to the riches of Christ Jesus’ is a safe place to start. We belong to a living God who tells us that he is able to meet ALL our needs via his absolute riches that he wants to give us.

And then, asking and allowing God to reveal to us what the stabiliser is, where it came from, who we may need to forgive for not meeting that need in us, and choosing to hand it to him  (where he says it is safe to do so). The precious thing about this moment is that in all of this, I imagine that God's favourite part is being able to tell you how he wishes to meet that need within you himself. And allowing yourself to consider life without that stabiliser and instead, keeping your eyes open and senses aware to how he chooses to do this in your everyday life.

God made us human and so is fully aware that our human habits are not easily broken. Sometimes you may notice a change straight away in your desire to use that stabiliser but sometimes these changes require perseverance and a commitment from us to start partnering with God and living out a new way of being that is treasured, held, and delighted in. 

Whilst the above may seem simple (or not!) it is important to notice, again, your internal response when it comes to handing over old behaviours to God. This is because we only we are only able to do this when we have a felt or known perception of God that we can trust him to provide our needs and that he is safe enough for us to be able to do this. It is OK to notice if the concept of trusting him enough to do this is too much for you. Just as in human relationships, trust has to be developed and worked on over time.

Whilst we know that God is the most trustworthy being in the universe, our experience of human interactions who have let us down may leave us questioning whether he is in fact trustworthy as we project our fear onto him. Inviting God to show you the truth, alongside support from someone you trust will be key.

To re-visit the image of the child’s bike we described at the start, it’s worth noting that a child’s stabilisers aren’t whipped off ready for them to fall as soon as they get on the bike for the first time.  There is a confidence growing, a practice, a trust in the parent that is necessary first. God wont ask you to take off something that isn’t safe to be removed, but he will help you see where you have stabilisers that make you ‘feel’ safe, but in fact are keeping you from him. There is also a reality that you may have developed many of these stabilisers in childhood…but as an adult these don’t serve you so well anymore, because you aren’t a child anymore. By letting yourself acknowledge how these stabilisers may have held you, but are no longer needed, is an important aspect of the healing journey. To then invite God into that need (we will always have needs!) is the essence of casting your cares on him/ letting him hold you/ putting your trust in him/ surrendering to him.

(TW) Self-Harm

When considering the term self-harm, a number of perspectives come into play. Maybe you have a friend or family member who struggles with self-harm and you are looking for help. Maybe you are supporting someone pastorally in your church or maybe you have used pain yourself as a coping technique…

Whichever angle you read this article from, we hope to bring clarity over what self-harm is and hopefully debunk some unhelpful myths. Hopefully, this article will help to provide some next steps, or even just allow you to be seen if this is something that you are coping with each day. 

Self-harm is a broad umbrella term for harming oneself as a way of coping.

It can bring about a sense of short-term relief from distress someone may be experiencing either through overwhelming experiences, memories or feelings like intense anger or stress. Self-harm can be a way of an individual expressing their inner emotional pain. It can also be a means of self-punishment, a way to feel in control or to avoid traumatic memories.

It can be common to feel an ‘urge’ to want to self-harm, or for it to be triggered by a moment, event, sensation that compels a response or desire to feel release. The urge to self-harm can be accompanied by feelings of low worth or self-hatred. 

To those on the outside of the experience, it may seem counterintuitive to inflict harm on self in order to alleviate pain. But to the individual experiencing it, feeling something when feeling emotionally numb or empty, or it being like an expression outwardly of what’s taking place inwardly can bring relief, if only for a short time. Self-harm can also give the feeling that internal stress or anxiety is somehow being managed and controlled. 

There are several beliefs swirling around- let’s be honest, particularly in Christian circles- that can make an individual’s healing journey much more complicated. Let’s unpack them here.

Unhelpful Myths

The problem will go away if we don’t draw attention to it

The exact opposite is actually true. (and, if left unchallenged, this belief can make us complicit in a church culture that hides abuse and other harm). The more self-harm is brushed away or kept quiet or secretive, the more harmful it can become. Those who self-harm need a safe and welcoming space that encourages them to be open with peers or those close to them. Shame will never benefit a person and instead cause the problem to become more private and the individual more isolated.

The more attention we draw to it, the more we condone it.

No. In order to support and help, we HAVE to be prepared to challenge the stigma surrounding self-harm. We HAVE to be able to embrace this as not something to be ashamed of or alienated because of. If someone is in pain because they’ve broken their leg at Monday night football, we don’t tell them they should be ashamed for the noise they’re making and throw bible verses at them about how they haven’t looked after their body. In the same way, we must approach the outward expression of inward pain with gentleness, understanding and be willing to give that pain a voice- should it wish to be heard.

By giving a person alternative ways to express their pain (see list below) we are still promoting causing pain to self.

No, they are already in pain. If we focus our attention on the ‘act’ then we lose sight of the reason behind the self-harm, the why behind the what. The internal pain or distress someone is in should be our focus.  However, there can be complications of ongoing self-harm leading to medical intervention and so alternative methods can be helpful in helping alleviate ‘the urge’ and the possible complications of self-injury.

Self-harm is a way of attention seeking

This is a myth that, troublingly, has done a great deal of damage both inside and outside of the church. If we can re-shape our thinking to understand that those who self-harm are not attention-seeking but seeking release from the distress they are experiencing, then our ability to care, to be present and to be a listening ear should it be needed will be positively impacted.

Self-harm is an intent to commit suicide

Self harm can be entirely unrelated to suicidal thoughts or intent. Just because someone self-harms, doesn’t mean they are entertaining thoughts of suicide. However it is worth noting that the persistent feelings of self-hatred and low worth can sometimes exacerbate the ideation of suicide, along with the persistent pattern of causing damage to the body. If you are supporting an individual, keep open communication with them. 

Along with myths, there are a number of unhelpful Bible passages that have been used in order to try and stop someone from self-harming. The premise of this is if we can make someone feel guilty or bad for doing it, via scripture no less, then they will stop. Whilst the passages themselves are full of truth -yes, our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit and are therefore sacred, for example- it is not helpful to share this with someone in the hope that this will deter them. It won’t. It’s important to remember that individuals who self-harm are not trying to go against the truth of God, they are struggling to cope with the build up of stress/ anger/fear inside of them, and that should be our starting place- safety, no judgement, kindness. If there is already a perception in someone that they are not worthy or deserving of kindness or love, or they are punishing themselves, then using scriptures in this way will only increase that sense. 

We strongly recommend that these passages are not taken out of context to try and address someone’s urge to self-harm. They can do much more harm than good.

Next Steps

If you struggle with self-harm:

• If you are self-harming, you are not faulty or a bad Christian. You are in pain, and you deserve for that to be recognised.

• If you are self-harming there are ways to help you deal with the sometimes-overwhelming feelings or experiences you are living with. If you feel this is out of control or taking over your life, talk to a trusted professional or seek help.

• Expression of feelings is key- by any mode. If talking isn’t your bag, or a place you’re at, then there are other means of expression. Creative forms particularly are helpful in enabling us to connect with our feelings without having to put words to them, and instead use the arts- dance or movement, drama, art or music (drumming can be a really effective expression of anger and pain) and all of which enable expression of our internal world. Church hasn’t historically been comfortable with expression, so it may be that you notice some barriers to self-expression in your own world- notice them.

Where to get help

• If you or someone else is in danger, call 999 or go to A&E 

• If you need urgent help for your mental health, get help from NHS 111 online or call 111

• The National Self-Harm Network is a support forum for those who are struggling or ideating: https://www.nshn.co.uk/

• Harmless “the national centre of excellence for self harm and suicide prevention” provide support and information: www.harmless.org.uk 

• You can also call your local GP

• Speak to your counsellor

If you are supporting someone who self-harms:

• Your job is not to relieve them of their internal pain. Don’t try it, don’t do it. If you aren’t qualified to help individuals locate and express their inner world, don’t do it. Help the individual- if they want- to find someone who can help. Some individuals may never feel comfortable revealing that pain to anyone- don’t expect it, don’t push for it.

• If your family member or friend is self-harming, take steps to be a safe person. No preaching, no using Bible verses to shame them, just a safe listening ear should they need. Be aware of your own responses to heightened or uncomfortable emotions. How comfortable do you feel expressing your feelings healthily? You may want to become comfortable with basic first aid. This can feel uncomfortable, almost a kind of ‘just accepting this is how it is’- yes, that is what it is. Your job is not to rescue or prevent it. Your job is to be there with kindness and care. 

• Think about how you can help others to understand their emotions in a simple way, ie there are many great resources available now to help children and adults understand their emotions and self-regulation. Learn how to self-soothe in order to share with others, and never underestimate the role of kindness, encouraging others to be kind to themselves- their inner voice, their self-care actions, all these speak of letting pain be allowed to come out in healthy ways.

• It can be really hard to see a loved one hurting themselves. If you need to, find help and speak with someone you trust about how it is impacting you.

Low Self-Esteem

What is low self-esteem?

Self-esteem is how we perceive ourselves- what we feel we are worth and what value we believe we hold. Low self- esteem, therefore, refers to when an individual feels that they are lacking in worth, value and a sense of who they are in comparison to others.

How do I know if I have low self-esteem?

One way to notice how you feel about yourself is being aware of how you talk to yourself - it will tell you a lot about how you view yourself and what you feel you are worthy of. 

Other signals you may notice might be comparison with others, or making decisions in your life always based on what others think you should do, or what you imagine others would want from you. It can be accompanied by a lack of feeling in control of your own life or being able to make choices based on your own wants and needs. You may find it hard to say no or you may feel that you’re not really deserving of good things.

What impacts my self-esteem?

We all feel low self-esteem in our lives at some point. Our self-esteem (who we feel we are) can often be impacted by circumstances and people around us and that starts at a very early age in our development, whether through parents, community, peers, teachers, or whoever we engage with in the world. As social creatures we soak in the opinions, comments, nuances of body language and behaviours of other people - whether we realise it (consciously) or not (sub-consciously) and it all builds up a picture within us of who we really are. 

Someone may be able to locate that they have low self-esteem very easily. It may impact their life to the extent that they don’t feel any control over their own life or choices, or barely hold a sense of self. But it can also impact individuals in very subtle ways, whether it’s not feeling worthy of their place in the supermarket queue or feeling uncomfortable with any genuine expression of affection or praise at work for example.

Self-esteem and different viewpoints

Self-esteem can be a contentious phrase in the Christian world.  

Whilst this article does not seek to argue with or rip apart theological perspectives- after all, there are many and each has a different starting point- there is an important perspective to bring as we look at the theme of self-esteem. 

We were born human. Whether theologically we believe that we were born evil or born good, what we can all agree on is that as babies we grow and develop a sense of ‘self’. In a healthy situation, this ‘self’ is nurtured and developed. We develop a sense of being in the world, of curiosity, of safety, of likes and dislikes. We learn of our ability to make choices, to reason, to assert ourselves in the world and relate to others. This is what is means to be human, created by God. This is important to remember, because the self-esteem we are talking about is not a self-centric ‘I can do this life without God’ or ‘I don’t need his love because I love myself already’. But instead a sense that we have a place in the world and that that is good and God-given.

Where is God in our low self-esteem?

The simple answer to that is that:

a) He believes we are the bees’ knees* and

b) our life experiences often lead us to find it really hard to believe that concept.

Rather than feelings of low self-esteem being something we can become aware of and explore, we can often find ourselves feeling shame or guilt (low self-worth anyone?) for how we feel about ourselves, and how we must be disappointing God for feeling that way. We may even be told by others that we are wrong for feeling that way because God disagrees. But shame can push us even further away from the truth about who we really are despite the reality that in his eyes, we have worth, we have value and are loved. 

When we feel a low sense of self-worth we can sometimes tell ourselves that we ‘shouldn’t’ feel or think that way because God loves us, referencing scriptures that tell us how we instead ‘should’ feel. 

However sometimes that can become a small sticky plaster over a gaping wound that needs attention, because in essence we’re trying to convince ourselves of something we don’t believe.  Does God’s word re-shape our thinking and sense of self? Absolutely! Can his Word tear down things we think about ourselves that aren’t true? 100% yes! But God invites us into that journey, not by slapping us with his Word but by gently encouraging us to explore why we don’t believe it, to notice and to encounter him as we encounter ourselves. 

There’s no denying that when we have low self-esteem and we first come to God, we’ll often feel a sense of self increase i.e a sense of being wanted, of being loved, of even being liked! It is testament to God’s nature as a healing God that even just knowing God changes something within us feeling more loved. 

But, when we notice a huge chasm between how God perceives us versus how we perceive us, there’s an invitation to notice how we feel about ourselves and to even begin to challenge those thoughts.

Some helpful ideas and activities

If you can identify with any of the above and have low self-worth, there are some things you could do that may help you. 

• Ask people you trust to make a list of positive qualities they see in you. Maybe you could do this with a group of friends and add to each other’s lists? This won’t change your self-perception overnight! But it does help to increase peer support and build self-confidence.  

• Regularly make time for doing things that you enjoy, maybe visit your favourite coffee shop or take a walk you enjoy. You may find it hard even recognising what you enjoy- take some time to find out! Doing things you like on a regular basis can build in the habit of recognising your own needs and desires which may have previously been neglected or ignored.

• Regularly practice activities you enjoy doing, for example a hobby or craft, or learning a new language. Improving your skills in an activity or craft can increase your confidence levels. 

• Develop a nurturing, kind vocabulary- maybe a list of words and phrases- and practise using it regularly. Avoid statements that include ‘I should’ or ‘I must’ as these imply living to someone else’s expectations. Instead, consider how you might speak to a child and offer encouragement rather than criticism i.e if you drop something, ‘never mind, that will be easy to clean up’ or if you make a mistake, ‘It’s OK, you’re OK, nobody’s perfect’. Recognising our self-talk and replacing it can build kindness and self-nurture as adults, impacting our sense of self. 

• Take a pause before saying ‘yes’ to someone. Reflect on why you are saying yes; ‘Is this to please the other or is it what I want and need to do?’ If you find this hard, explore and challenge your fears behind saying no and even practice saying it and noticing what comes up as you do. By taking a step back from your commitments you can start to recognise your own needs, desires, preferences and opinions. By learning to respond to these, you will develop self-awareness and assertiveness.

• Consider how you interact with God’s Word. When you read a verse about who he says you are, notice how it makes you feel. Do you agree? Do you disagree? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Be curious- ask yourself why and consider whether you’ve always felt that way. These are the first steps in exploring where your thoughts about yourself may have started and empowering you to challenge them. Try asking yourself with curiosity:  ‘If God says I am ______, then why do I believe I am ________? Rather than ‘If God says I am _______, then I should believe I am ________’. 

• As you grow in self-understanding you may feel confident enough to begin to challenge some of your perceptions and beliefs about yourself. Don’t rush this process! Let yourself play around with Bible verses- personalise them, be creative with them. Why not ask God what he says about you in response to each particular thought that you have?
  

These are just some ways to begin to develop your own sense of self and explore your low self-esteem. As always, we recommend support - whether from a trusted friend or a counsellor who may help you explore your own perceptions and beliefs further.

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Who am I in Christ?

Use this tool and learn about the high esteem you are held in.

Recognising your Learning Style

Each of us has been created with a mind that understands the world in a slightly different way to the person next to us.

What we sense and how we sense it can differ widely from person to person. The same is true of how our brains are wired to learn. 

Have you ever sat in church and wondered why what the person at the front is sharing just doesn’t seem to be sinking in, no matter how hard you’re trying to listen? Have you ever been in a classroom where a diagram of parts of a flower is being shared on the screen that makes no sense to you at all? Do you find yourself muting the voice on your sat nav, preferring to look at the arrows on the screen in front of you? Are there pieces of paper all around your house with notes furiously scribbled on to them? Well that’s most likely to be because your brain has a particular preference for how it interprets information. 

The acronym VARK was developed in 1987 by Neil Fleming and stands for: visual, aural, read/write and kinesthetic, each indicating an individual's preference for learning.  

Visual

As a visual learner, you will learn best through seeing maps, diagrams, charts, graphs, symbols, colours, shapes and other ways people use to represent what could have been presented in words. 

Aural

Those with this preference learn through what they hear or have spoken. Group discussions, lectures or talks, speaking out loud of talking to themselves forms their central mode of learning and connecting with information. 

Read/Write

This learning style indicates a preference for learning via words. Writing, lists, diaries, quotations, dictionaries, using the internet (ie Wikipedia with an emphasis on words) all serve to process information in the read/write brain.

Kinesthetic

A Kinesthetic learner values real-life experiences and practical events to learn through as well as demonstrations, simulations, and videos of “real” things, case studies, and practice. 

Why is this relevant to the subject of discipleship?

Well, knowing how you learn has a HUGE impact on recognising how God interacts with you on a personal level, and how to form the best habits that suit you. It will enable you to avoid any comparison (why doesn’t God connect with me in that way?) and help you understand other people around you. You might start to notice why you are the way you are in church settings and why you may struggle with certain modes of delivery. Our hope is that it can also empower you to make the changes you need in your daily personal life and maybe in your church life too. 

Take the pressure off when encountering other learning styles - know that you’re not failing or getting it wrong when it doesn’t work for you! Some people are multi modal, meaning they dip into some or all of the styles below. 

So let’s unpack what each learning style might look like (says the visual learner!) in the context of relating to God…

Visual

You may have more of a tendency to see images or pictures in your mind when interacting with God or asking him questions. Or sometimes, rather than pictures in your mind, you may see words written in fonts, or notice colours and shapes in your mind’s eye. 

You may be more likely to see ‘visions’, encounter God through dreams, or see short film clips played out in your mind. 

When spending time in the Bible, you may struggle with just reading words on the page, or hearing someone speak them. But using your mind’s eye to recreate what is happening may help you make sense and retain what is written, or even re-creating it pictorially. If this is you, notice what you see in your mind, allow yourself to go further than the facts- what are the characters’ postures? Facial expressions you imagine? Where can you allow your mind to move away from the sunday school bible pictures and into bringing the imagery to life in your mind? 

You may also sense that God connects with you through what you see around you. What do you notice about the world around you that visually draws you to him or into a sense of awe and worship? What do you see that stirs up emotion within you?

 When with other Christians, you may really value graphics presented, white space on a powerpoint slide and illustrations- these help your brain make more sense of what is being shared. You tend to retain those images. You may value carrying around a pack of post it notes and a favourite pen to bring to life what is being shared. 

Helpful tips:

• Take a camera wherever you go! Notice what you’re drawn to, and notice what you sense and what God might be showing you when you see it

• Bibles with creative journaling have become more popular recently, get yourself one, or just use a journal/ notebook to play around with phrases or words that stand out to you in the Bible

• If praying with words feels disconnected to you, consider how you might want to express yourself visually or in graphics to God.

• Use colour highlighter pens for scriptures

• If you see pictures in your mind that seem a bit weird,  lean into this! If your mind feels like it’s full of random images, lean in! Use this as a means of conversation with God ‘which one shall we focus on right now?’ 

• Enjoy using metaphor with God, both in what he communicates to you and how you express yourself to him. 

“I grew up in a tradition that declared that read/write was the only way that God connects with us, and so as a visual learner who feels things deeply, this has been a huge journey of being able to value that when something in nature grabs my attention, and I allow myself to sit with what it brings up in me( noticing my thoughts, feelings and awareness of God dwelling in me), this is just as sacred”

Aural

You may be more likely to actually hear God’s voice, or to be very aware of your own voice’s self-talk by way of the holy spirit communicating with you. When speaking to God or asking him questions, be mindful of what your self-talk is saying- often by listening to this his spirit is communicating with your spirit. Maybe notice what song lyrics are playing around in your head! Often it can be a greater insight, God helping you recognise what you’re thinking and feeling or what your needs are. 

You may notice you are more acutely tuned in to God actually saying something- a message, sentence or word, and emphasis for you comes in what you have heard him say. 

Similarly, when spending time with God, what you say to him is really important to you. Being able to verbally express things out loud to him feels valuable- if this is you, make time to find space where this is helpful and you don’t worry about being disturbed or overheard if it mutes you! 

Another key way in which God might speak to you is through the voice of others, or, by having discussions with others that shape your own viewpoint and bring clarity to what he might be saying. You may really value listening to podcasts, speakers whose voice you value online. 

You may also be more attuned to hearing God through music, song or sounds. These experiences may resonate deeply with you

You will prefer to listen to people with authority or with knowledge of a particular area- listening is very important to you. You likely find examples helpful too, and hearing real life testimony or experiences.

Other ways to connect Aurally:

• Find an Audio Bible. It’s likely this will be received by your brain much more than by simply reading the Bible. 

• Explain/ teach others, to solidify your own experiences and learning

• Use your voice! Just as important for you as listening, is talking. You might want to record your voice reading out scripture and listen back to it.

• Read the Bible out loud as you speak and listen to your own voice. 

• Find your tribe, others who have a similar learning style who like to discuss and ask questions, argue and debate, to get together and talk thoroughly. Don’t be afraid to ask tough questions and be open minded.

• Allow yourself to verbalise with God, to use your words and speak them out loud as you pray and throughout the day. 

“This is going to sound weird but it really helps me! When I read something in the Bible, I have to say it out loud a few times (either whispering to myself or louder if on my own). Then, I imagine I’m teaching an invisible audience and I say aloud what I’ve just noticed. The funny thing is, I did it as a child too- I would have an imaginary class and talk to them about what I was learning at school. When I’m interacting with God, I enjoy talking honestly to him out loud, and find that my following self-talk is often his response- I know it’s him because it comes with a sense of peace, and I'm still learning.”

It’s worth noting that this is primarily the way that the church has tended to understand 'Hearing From God’ (hence the saying!) as well as it being our universal experience of the school system. So the temptation is that whilst we start to understand our own unique learning style, we still secretly expect this to result in ‘hearing something’.  But it’s good to remember that Aural is a specific learning style in itself. 

Read/ Write

You encounter God through the Word on the page- written words, books, learning about God and his nature through reading. You’ll read scripture and your brain will light up- making connections and experiencing his words come alive to you. You’ll maybe be inclined to want to write these things down- so consider a notebook/ journal/ smart notebook to compile what you read and experience of God as you read. 

People with a ‘R’ style also like to understand the meaning of words and their roots- consider how this can be an act of worship in itself, and enjoy using your mind to understand context and intent behind scripture allowing God to connect with you through the experience.

Consider which words you are drawn to and explore why… Research the word you notice, what does it tell you about God? What does it tell you about you?

Consider how your prayer life can be writing-based, not having to be spoken out necessarily.  Expect him to speak to you and answer you via this means! Church can sometimes place read/write into the ‘but remember, this is theology, not relationship’ box, and yet just as God has created your brain, so he loves to connect with you in the same way so expect encounters as you read and write!

“In my relationship with God, I actually struggle to 'hear' from him and don't often 'feel' Him. However, put the word of God in front of me and He will speak to me from it and will often bring it back to mind when He is directing me. Sometimes I would wonder if I was just 'making it up' because I knew the Word so well but I grew in trust and learnt the difference between a God-prompt and my own recollection of His Word.”

Kinesthetic

As a kinesthetic learner, you learn and engage through doing. Actively participating and having a go, learning through trial and error. You experience connection with God as you experience life. 

Therefore, you’ll find being in a church building scenario potentially boring- why go through the other ‘motions’- listening, reading, singing, when you could be out in the action living your faith? Why not consider how you could influence the culture- you won't be the only person in your church experiencing it this way, and it’s worth noting that most children learn kinesthetically in their younger years. 

Trial and error, experiences, examples, case studies, testimonies coming alive, observing others and having a go, making mistakes- these are all really important aspects of how you learn and connect with God. 

You are likely to be inspired by a God of Action, who acts on his people’s behalf, who gets stuck in and dirty. Therefore you may be drawn to charitable work or social justice…as this is where the stats are that back up the theory - He works!

Meet with others who inspire you and motivate you in their walk.

Role playing. If you’re creative, get yourself in a church improv group!! Re-enact scenes in the Bible or get involved with helping others experientially encounter the Bible, whether it’s to kids or adults, it will benefit you to experience it. 

For you, just doing, and expecting to experience the Spirit as you do, is key. Not looking out for a voice or picture whilst doing, but embodying his presence/ dwelling at work in you and being confident of that. 

It’s likely that God may connect with you by giving you activities or people to see or practical needs to meet and problems to solve.

Helpful tips:

• Use all of your senses, even those you’ve not considered in a ‘connecting with God’ way before

• Speak to people about their real-life experiences

• You may not get so much out of watching, for example, dramatised versions, but real life accounts of people’s lives and experiences are gold to you. 

• Focus on what has really happened in your life- share those experiences with God- it may feel uncomfortable because you know he already knows! But it matters to you, so it matters to him. 

• Go on adventures with God, 

• Immerse yourself in ‘God at Work’- practical, real life examples, with evidence, of God in the here and now. 

You may even want to consider your own body and how it practically reflects the nature and existence of God. It may be that when out running or exercising in the gym, you most experience the presence of God as you use your body. He loves to connect and interact with you in this way. 

“I don’t connect to God through feelings or hearing, but by seeing things happen and giving it a go. I get bored listening to people drone on but when I see things happen in the people around me, I connect with Him.”

“I notice that God uses real-life experiences to show me deeper things. Even when I read the Word, He often uses the examples of characters or situations in the bible as case studies. Interestingly, this also impacts how I share when I teach- I use real life examples and case studies to communicate lessons”

It's also interesting to note that many people have a combination of learning styles, (or are multi-modal, meaning they have features of all of the above) in which case you will recognise and favour a number of different explanations and suggestions above. Enjoy being playful and noticing what works for you, and noticing how God loves to interact with you.

A few more thoughts

“As a child I was taught a very regimented way to pray, the same formula every week. When I realised there were other ways to do it, it was a big deal. When I discovered interactive prayer through my wife, it was the first time I felt like I'd had a personal conversation with God. 

It’s great to share stuff together as a church community but we don’t have to. During worship, I sometimes just sit and listen to others singing and I worship God through that- it stops other things entering my mind. I think he’s just happy when we love him the way we love him

I love to journal via the Bible app. I read a lot around a subject, I love nature, being on the coast, just being with God having honest conversation as we walk along- I’m all the modes! I don't want to miss out! 

My advice would be don’t conform, find whatever works for you then share it with other people.”

It is also worth mentioning that if you don’t know where you fit in the above, chances are there’s other experiences taking place that God may be inviting you to tune into- after all, this isn’t a finalised list. Take notice of what your thoughts are doing and where your attention is. 

“I don’t feel like I fit the VARK descriptions, but instead would describe my learning style as immersive and experiential. My relationship with Jesus is encounter-based and I’m often aware of his presence. Sometimes the presence can feel stronger than being present in the room if, for example, I’m in some training. But I can both take in what's being said, whilst being in his overwhelming presence, whilst making mental notes of going down my own study track from the training I’m hearing, all the while working on staying present in the room. I’ve learnt that I need total stillness and contemplation, to be able to process all that’s going on in my mind- meditation, allowing, accepting, letting it go, breath prayers and being thankful.”

Summary

Knowing your learning style has a HUGE impact on recognising how God interacts with you on a personal level, and how to form the best habits that suit you. It will enable you to avoid any comparison (why doesn’t God connect with me in that way?) and help you understand other people around you. You might start to notice why you are the way you are in church settings and why you may struggle with certain modes of delivery. Our hope is that it can also empower you to make the changes you need in your daily personal life and maybe in your church life too. 

Trauma Triggers

But what is trauma?

Trauma can be summed up as being the experience of a distressing event or series of events that have caused us harm. Trauma impacts our sense of safety, sense of self, our ability to feel emotions and our ability to connect relationally with others. Trauma cannot be defined by the event itself, but by the impact it has on each individual. 

What are triggers?

A trauma trigger is when we experience something through our senses (smell, taste, touch, sight, sound), that reminds our brain of that first traumatic experience. Despite it belonging in our past, our bodies experience our trauma as if it were in the present and our brains react accordingly. 

It could be that a particular smell of perfume, or the sound of someone’s voice takes your mind back to something that you notice impacts your body and thoughts. You may, for example, start feeling panicky or may notice yourself ‘phasing out’ and disconnecting from the world around you. 

Triggers can also be associated with happy experiences. The smell of a friend’s cooking may trigger you back to happy memories of your own childhood home, in this scenario you are living in the present but transported back the memory and feelings associated. 

Triggers can vary greatly in severity. You may go through life having not experienced a trigger, only to find it becomes a regular occurrence depending on what you are processing at the time.  On the other hand, triggers may be a daily occurrence for you, but may become less and less over time as you start to practice compassion with yourself in dealing with them. 

For example, someone can happily attend a prayer group for years of their life and then a memory of a negative experience, relating to prayer, may come into their awareness (their thoughts, memories or conversations). Suddenly the person feels anxious and sweaty at the idea of going to the prayer group, of being around others associated with the group, experiencing being ‘triggered’ back into an experience previously not in their thoughts or memories. This may develop as a total inability to attend or be near that group until the individual has been able to establish a sense of safety, helping their brain calm, get back online and rationalise the existence of the present rather than the past. 

What are flashbacks?

Triggers can sometimes lead to flashbacks, where someone is not only reminded of a memory linked to the trauma and the sensations that come with it, but they experience it again in their own reality. 

A flashback is experienced as if it were time-travel, where the brain re-enacts a traumatic experience or an individual is transported in their mind back to a particular traumatic place. An individual’s thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations all respond as it were taking place now in the present moment, making it extremely difficult to stay in contact with reality. 

Ways to help

Whilst triggers and flashbacks can feel debilitating, particularly when experienced frequently, it is absolutely possible to work with your triggers to lessen the impact they have on you. This is particularly true in relation to our senses. Just as they are the avenue by which we get triggered, they can also be our way out and of regulating* ourselves.

Helpful tools- take directly from Let’s Talk About Triggers & Flashbacks

*Regulating is basically the word used to describe your nervous system’s way of calming down. When you are regulated, your breathing becomes more natural and normal, your heart rate stabilizes, you feel more in control and able to think. Essentially, when dysregulated, your back brain takes control, it’s fighting for your survival so all your body’s energy is going into that. Once regulated, your front brain becomes reactivated, it starts to take the reigns and help you start thinking clearly and rationally again enabling problem-solving, staying present in the moment and connecting with people.

Dissociation

Essentially, dissociation is an incredibly clever and natural brain mechanism that acts as a protector from stress and harm. 

Dissociation can be experienced as a normal, everyday habit used to combat mild stress or boredom, a ‘zoning out’ like reading a book or daydreaming. Then, there is the disassociation that is connected to PTSD or trauma. When someone is experiencing trauma or hurt, their brain responds by essentially attempting to shield them from the hurt. When we experience severe distress, the brain shuts down in order to not have us experience or live through the traumatic moment or series of events. 

This can be experienced as a disconnection from emotions, identity, memories, perception and a sense of self, depending on the dissociative disorder. It can feel like things are not real or give you a sense of ‘disappearing’ or ‘disconnecting’.

The important things to remember:

1. It is the process of our incredible brains making sure that we are not overcome by the stress of the experience.

2. By learning to manage our stress responses and healing, we will notice dissociative occurrences reduce as time goes on. 

A short guide on dissociative disorders

PTSD/Trauma/ Dissociative Amnesia

Gaps in one’s memory, either spanning moments or years. In relation to an event, being unable to remember parts of the event or which part of the day, or unable to recall the event entirely.

Depresonalization and derealistation

Disconnection from your own mind, body or thoughts. Disconnection from the world and reality around you, people and environments around you not feeling real.

DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder)

Previously known as multiple personality disorder. Where two or more distinct personalities are present, each identity with their own way of being, often with different roles being played out. 

Where is God in Dissociation?

The whole process of dissociation itself is a God-given, protective mechanism. But the disruption that it may bring to daily life can be extremely tough to live with. 

Hope can be found in beginning to cultivate self-compassion and self-reflection, and as we face how we really feel, healing can come into view. There are good people out there who can help this process and therapists can provide us with a place where we can give voice to those thoughts, feelings and experiences. It may not be a quick process but it can be transformative as it provides space to really hear ourselves and be heard. 

God loves us - every single part and trace of us - not the future healed ‘version’, but the current reality of who we are. He loves us and longs to listen to us and be our witness as we pay attention to those areas in need of a compassionate voice that may be hidden away. 

Our Creator is the One who dreamed us up, who decided who we were, what we look like, sound like, even how we smell! And so, he is the One (sometimes along with other safe people) who can lovingly help us rebuild a sense of self and reconnect with reality in a way that is safe and stable. 

God can be present in all that you feel- and all that you don’t feel. As your creator he fully knows all of your brain's responses and doesn’t place any pressure on you to ‘not be that way’ but instead He cares for you. If you feel like your dissociative moments have gone on for too long or are happening too regularly, start with self-compassion and understand that there is always a why behind the what. As we learn to trust him and others we can start walking into healing.

Reclaiming Our True Identity: God’s Role in Healing and Integration

Our own human ‘sense of self’ is so important to our understanding of who we are; our identity as children of God. It’s not just therapy talk, or new age ramblings, but an essential part of being human. The important Biblical teaching that we die to self can become very confusing here, because the implication can sometimes be that ‘we’ as a human with a sense of self, have to leave that behind to become a disembodied being that has a new identity in Christ. Thus, a spiritual dissociation can take place, where we place another layer of disconnection between our core self and God. Do we become more Christlike as we walk with God? Yes. But that doesn’t forsake our humanity and who we are as individuals to him. 

If we can regain a sense of inhabiting our own bodies, our own world, we can start to piece together (and he can within us) our original blueprint- who he made us to be and is inviting us back into. 

This is where a re-connection with a God of kindness and goodness can take the forefront. An essential part of healing involves practicing kindness to ourselves- it is invaluable in reconnecting with ourselves and God as kind and gentle. In order to practice this kindness, instead of punishing or shaming the mechanism that keeps us safe through dissociation,  instead we can practice appreciating the way our brains can keep us safe from tough life experiences. 

Regardless of where we are on the healing spectrum, God is there.

Next Steps:

The scale of dissociation is a really important factor in considering next steps. 

At the lower end of the scale you’re likely to zone out and use, for example, screens as a way of tuning out uncomfortable feelings. Mild dissociation looks like gaps in memory, being in autopilot, feeling a mild sense of disconnection. Dissociation at the other end of the scale involves losing awareness of time and memories, maybe a sense of not quite inhabiting yourself and can be quite terrifying, and then DID, where different identities are created in order to cope with trauma. 

If you are reading this and you recognise or associate with the higher end of the scale described, we recommend that you seek help from a professional with specific training in dissociative disorders. 

If you are reading this as a people helper/ pastoral support and you recognise that someone experiences the higher end of the dissociative scale, we encourage you to be confident in where your role begins and ends: unless you are an expert in this field, step aside and let a professional in who can safely bring help and support. 

If you can identify with the lower scale of dissociation as described, then you may wish to consider the following:

• Start considering how you might practice self-compassion. For example, what does your internal voice sound like? What would a kind, compassionate voice sound like?

• Share with someone you trust how you are feeling and what you are experiencing. Know that you are worthy of love and support. They may be able to help you to start asking gentle questions and exploring the why behind the what. 

• mind.org.uk has an excellent collection of resources on how to care for yourself as you cope with dissociation, and recommendations for further action.

• Speak to your GP.  Not everyone will find this beneficial depending on how you feel you are coping, but if dissociation is taking over your life, speak to your GP.   

• Therapy. You may wish to find a specialist in dissociation as not all counsellors and therapists are trained specifically  in this area so it’s worth doing your homework to see who can best support you. Organisations such as BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) , NCPS (National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society) or ACC (Association for Christian Counsellors) all have websites that can help you navigate what you are looking for. 

Anxiety

We all have times when we feel anxious. 

But let’s be honest, anxiety has a bad reputation in the Christian world. Whether it’s condemning any kind of anxious thought to the ‘no faith’ camp, or hearing Jesus’s words ‘do not worry’ through the lens of ‘must do better’, we’re often uncomfortable to admit that anxiety may be part of the (Christian) human experience…

And yet, the ability to notice and acknowledge its presence in our lives is an important step in being able to heal. There is no shame in feeling anxious. 

Anxiety serves as a warning, an alarm signalling that there might be something to worry about and prepare for. Often it is stimulated by past events and experiences, whereby our brain prepares for action based on those experiences. There may be things anxiety helps us prepare for. For example, if we have a job interview next week, anxiety is what encourages us to prepare well and have all bases covered. But when anxiety overwhelms us, it becomes fixated on the job interview and all the possible outcomes, for which our brain is naturally wired to view negatively.

It can be helpful to consider another way we experience this in our lives - think about ‘doom scrolling’ when we access social media and our brains are doing just this - preparing for every eventuality. Notice whether your heart rate increases at all when you do this - that’s anxiety getting above it’s useful station!

In these situations, just having someone to talk to about what your anxiety feels like and what is making you anxious can be a big relief of the pressure inside your mind. It may be a friend or someone you trust, but it may also help to speak to a professional -a counsellor or therapist-whose job is to listen without judgement as you share. 

It is helpful to notice what is taking place in your body as you feel the anxiety…

Where do you notice it? What impact is it having on your movements? Being aware of this can then help you train your body further down the line to relax when you notice it responding to the anxious thought, sending different signals to the brain. Often, our breathing is one of the most obvious signals, so try focusing here. Breathing sounds so simple and yet when we consciously control our breath it has the incredible ability to get our brain back ‘online’ and away from fear. Try ‘box breathing’ for example, where you imagine drawing a square in front of you, breathing in for 4, breathing out for 4, and repeating. 

Another step could be to allow yourself a set time in the day to acknowledge what those worries are. Perhaps create a worry box or worry list, noting down the worries and giving them space to have a voice, but making sure they are contained- reinforcing that you have control. Once you have noted them, ask yourself whether there is anything you can do about them, or ask God whether there’s anything he wants to say about it specifically. 

Our bodies carry the ability to release chemicals that will calm us down and increase our sense of wellbeing and there are a number of ways you can encourage your body to produce them. Try a new creative skill or complete a task, listen to music or spend time in the sun. Moving your body and getting good sleep will help contribute to natural chemical stimulation, all of which will help reduce the sense of anxiety held in your body. 

Mercy’s Freedom course has a number of resources that can help assist you in noticing what is taking place within you, and what thoughts and beliefs may be triggering your anxiety, if you feel that you would like to explore further. 

If you are aware that anxiety is overwhelming you or has become something that is having a big impact on your daily life, we recommend that you take time and space to care for yourself by finding a professional to speak with further. The ACC (Association of Christian Counsellors) or BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy)/ NCPS (National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society) have databases where you will be able to find someone to speak to based on your personal requirements. More information is available on each of their websites

What is the Discipleship Confidence Matrix Tool?

Within the church there are all kinds of responses to the word ‘discipleship’.

For some, it is an exciting term that conjures up adventure or an invitation on a journey. For others, it’s a term implying togetherness - of practical lessons learned. It may be something we feel we went through ‘back in the day’ or after a recent conversion experience. For some, it’s an uncomfortable term- a reminder of how we ‘should’ be living, or a standard expected of us. 

At Mercy, we have developed the Discipleship Confidence Matrix as a way of intentionally considering the practices that Jesus gave his followers to live by. These practices benefit not only us, but automatically benefit those around us. 

When we’re living healthily- as Jesus shows us through his example on earth-we’re more in touch with who God says we are- who he created us to be- and with those around us. It’s also in this place that we’re able to be fully ourselves- authentically ‘us’ without any airs or graces. 

With that in mind, the confidence matrix covers the following areas… and, as you read, consider you own response to each area, NOT as a ‘must do better’ but as a ‘if I confidently lived out this area, how different might my life look?’ and ‘what areas would I like some support to grow in?’

recognising the voice of God. 

If God is indeed relational, then it stands to reason that his interactions with us are going to be unique and personal. Do we feel able to recognise how God personally interacts with us? Do we notice anything getting in the way? What are our expectations in this area? (could write loads on this)

If we are in relationship- with the creator of the universe, no less- then there exists the possibility for relational connection, not just co-existing together. The Bible tells us He speaks to us and we can speak to him, so if it’s 2-way, an aspect of discipleship looks like understanding how this uniquely works for you. 

If we were able to confident in this area, imagine the difference this could make to the direction of our lives and the comfort and experience of the presence of God. 

recognising and replacing my beliefs and behaviours. 

This area requires us to consider our level of self-awareness. Do we really know who we are and how we exist in the world? Am I aware of the belief systems I hold and how I interact? Often as Christians, we can use our ‘born again’ status to ignore or bury our old beliefs and start trying to believe new beliefs…but that’s simply not how it works. Because we then end up with a list of what we should believe, living alongside a subconscious list of what we in fact do believe, that are entirely at odds with each other. Discipleship in this area looks like understanding who we are and exploring God’s perspective before we healthily start to dismantle old ways, where there is congruence between what we believe and what we do, without shame or judgement.

Forgiveness

Jesus’ emphasis on forgiveness is fascinating. Why would he place such emphasis on it unless he knew it was something we would need often! But the teaching is so often misunderstood.

Do we have clarity on what forgiveness is and what forgiveness isn’t? (loads on this too)

How often we can use our forgiveness to suppress and bury our pain, rather than using it as a way of healthily expressing our pain and partnering with God, inviting him in to gently unburden us of the pain that has been caused. 

To confidently forgive is significant. Whether that’s forgiving others, yourself, or even God! To fully understand the depths (and completeness) of God’s forgiveness for us will surely impact this. 

Emotional comfort and healing

Aside from what we know of God and how he comforts his people, it can be a whole other world to actually be familiar with feeling his closeness and connection.  Again, we believe God is a relational God who wants to relate to his people, so do we know what it feels like to have a felt sense of closeness and comfort with God?

The significance of this area cannot be underestimated. When we tell others about how great it is to belong to God, does our experience of him actually match up to what we’re saying? If we can sit and allow ourselves to be authentically real in answering this question, from there we can begin to explore our own life experiences of comfort and connection and barriers that may prevent that experience. 

Authority as a believer

There are two components to authority; the right to rule, and the power to rule.  Authority can often be misunderstood as control, and too many times, the biblical example of Godly authority has been misrepresented.  When Jesus died on the cross as Son of Man, he reclaimed the right of our authority on this earth which was given to humanity but lost through Adam and Eve. When he rose again as Son of God, he also empowered us by sending the Holy Spirit to us. The Bible teaches that we are co-heirs with Jesus which means, in partnership with Him and surrendered to His will, we can walk in the same authority that He died to re-establish for us and live empowered by the Holy Spirit. 

Our privilege as Believers is to walk in this authority and bring realignment in the areas of our lives to His perfect will. As we experience healing and growth in our relationship with God, self and others, we learn how to protect those breakthroughs by applying a sense of, and understanding of authority in our prayer life, our thought-life and in our choices.

Boundaries

Serving others is at the core of faith in Jesus. We follow the servant-king, and we seek to wash feet just as he did. But somewhere along the way, the interpretation of the important teaching of servanthood can actually work against us and the freedom Jesus promised us if driven by other factors. 

The starting point for this is knowing where we end, and others begin. If we can understand that we can avoid burnout, avoidable stress, and can avoid unhealthy relationships. As Jesus modelled taking time for himself and times of refreshing, can we confidently follow him to do the same? What factors may push us into an un-boundaried life? How can setting boundaries increase our ability to follow Jesus’s example in loving and serving others healthily?

Needs and Desires

How are our needs and desires relevant to discipleship? Well, expressing our needs is a key element of relationship, both with God and with each other. Knowing how we were made, what we love and what we desire is fundamental to human and spiritual living!  

In order for us to fully understand and embrace the biblical concepts of God being our Father who provides, meeting all our needs according to the riches in Christ, and giving us the desires of our heart, how familiar are we with our own needs? How confident are we expressing those needs to others without feeling like a burden? What does the idea of God satisfying our desires reflect of his fatherly goodness?

Discipleship enables us to be healthy and well, to model what Jesus did to stay healthy. Jesus knew who he was, he knew what we needed, he knew how to steward his power and he felt- not just knew but felt- God’s closeness. Ultimately, what does that look like for us in our world? What do you think?

We would love for you to access the tool for yourself and hear your own thoughts and what the impact of living these principles could be - for ourselves and for those around us. 

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Access the Discipleship Confidence Matrix Tool Here

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