How can I support a friend who has experienced a recent bereavement?
There is no rule book for processing grief. Everyone experiences and expresses it differently. The following suggestions are both ways you can support your friend and ideas your friend may wish to consider to help them begin to process their emotions and experiences.
Often straight after the bereavement, the instinct is to give someone space although that can be the time when someone needs to know most that they are not alone. Try to resist the temptation to back off until they contact you and instead, let them know that you are there.
Be aware that the weeks and months after the bereavement are often the hardest as that is when everyone goes back to their normal routine and lives, leaving those deep in grief with a sense of detachment from normality.
Encourage your friend to feel - fully feel. It sounds obvious, but the waves of extreme emotions you experience when bereaved can be really hard to fully allow. Guilt, anger, sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, amongst many other emotions, will rise and fall – encourage space to be made for all according to whatever they need.
Grief is experienced entirely differently by each person. No experience of grief is the same. Avoid any kind of language that compares or suggests they should be moving through or feeling better or moving on in their grief.
Be directive in your practical support. Don’t tell them to just ask if they need anything. Instead, let them know what you’ll do and check that suits them. (“I was just popping to the shops. I’ll pick up some dinners for you- will you be in if I drop them off at 7?”)
You could offer your friend a means of personal expression, should they want to use it. You might know that they journal, or paint, or enjoy using spreadsheets for example. They might want to just write or create or make lists - anything that allows them to honestly and authentically process and express what comes up for them as they grieve.
Be mindful of significant dates that may have been celebrated or remembered in some way. Your friend may wish to mark those dates in a personal way e.g. visit a significant place, go for a walk, think of a significant activity (for example place flowers, release a balloon, read out a letter etc). Making space to mark a significant date helps with processing grief and loss.
Make a memory box. This involves putting together a box with photos, letters, memories etc. They can go through the box when they want to remember the person and allow themselves space to grieve. Creating a memory box is a good way of remembering loved ones. It also gives the feeling of protecting or gathering positive memories.
It can be really helpful to talk to a trusted friend or trained person who can help someone process all that comes up as they grieve.
It can be tempting to offer simple comments when we are unsure of what to say. Avoid using spiritual language or out of context bible verses that are unrelated to grief and imply in any way that they should be more hopeful/ joyful/ strong and courageous/ happy their loved one is with Jesus. It will do more harm to supress deep sorrow than aide recovery.
Write an ‘unsent letter’ to the person you lost. Write down what you miss, your memories (good and bad), what you might have liked to say to them, any regrets you may have etc. You can even process any forgiveness this way too and make peace, as you heal. Writing a letter provides you with a space to express your honest thoughts and feelings in order to explore further any themes that may come up. Letter writing also allows thoughts and feelings to be processed that were previously unacknowledged.
It is normal to want to avoid painful feelings and memories. Escapism through addictive coping mechanisms, ie alcohol in excess, electronics, over-working or recreational drugs may offer very short term relief, but addictive behaviours make it more difficult to manage our feelings and ultimately to heal.
Encourage your friend to seek advice when making any significant decisions especially those with long-term consequences or which are life-altering in some way. Grief and loss causes confusion and it can influence our decision making ability. This is because our brain is actually functioning differently with higher levels of stress hormones. It is common to experience confusion and memory loss during this time.
It is worth remembering that if you feel a pull to want to fix or move your friend through their grief, take a step back. This is their life, their journey, their pain and you as a friend are there to love, to bring kindness and to listen. The above ideas may or may not be useful to your friend as this experience will be unique to them. What you can do without restraint is bring them before the God who sees deep into their pain, who weeps with them and who loves them.