As you go through our Keys to Freedom Workbook, you’ll find an illustration of a child's bike that has stabilisers on it. This image describes the way that we as humans often rely on things in life to keep us both safe and stable, coping strategies that act as a substitute for the role of God in our lives.
Within church we may be familiar with teachings that tell us how important it is to rely on God. We all believe it is important for us to surrender to him and to let him rule our lives. And yet the reality of this concept presents us with a number of challenges.
The aim of this article is to help us notice those challenges rather than ignoring them. But also to confront the perceptions we may have around the teaching, to understand further the heart of God and how he cares for us, in order for us to consider laying down our stabilisers.
Firstly let's see what the Bible says about relying fully on God:
Isaiah 26:4. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding
James 4:7 submit yourselves then to God.
Jeremiah 10:23 Lord I know that people's lives are not their own it is not for them to direct their steps
Romans 12:12 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Noticing what your internal response is as you read those verses this will give you an idea of your starting point. Please note it is OK for you to read these verses and feel like depending on God isn't something you are comfortable doing. At worst it may bring up terror within you.
Let's be fully honest right now, what God seems to be suggesting is that we let go of anything that gets in the way of our dependence on him and what that might mean for some of us is huge.
Before we go any further our first point is to recognise the nature of God within this. He is not a God who is demanding, who has extremely high expectations or who is cruel. Our God does not walk up to a human on crutches and kick the crutch out from underneath them ruthlessly demanding them to do better and just try walking alone. If that image of God resonates with you right now take a moment to notice it because it may be that before you consider artificial stabilisers you may wish to make space to heal from wherever that concept of God has come from in your life.
The reality could not be further from the truth. As the most loving father, God’s desire is that he would be the all-providing all-nurturing God of comfort, peace and provision that you need from your heavenly parent. Not because he has an ego that needs massaging but because he's a loving parent who loves his child so much that he wants to, and can be, everything that you could ever need. It gives him pleasure to bring you comfort, it gives him pleasure to meet your needs, because you bring him pleasure and not only does he want to provide all these things for you but he can provide all these things for you. It is a love exchange not a demanding command.
As we consider what artificial stabilisers we have in our own lives, there may be a number of thoughts that come to mind. I find it helpful to imagine a scale in my mind. At one end of the scale there is a mobile phone, a vape, maybe a packet of biscuits or an online shopping cart. And all the way at the other end of the scale there may be isolating, intellectualising, multiple sexual partners, spiritualising, high achieving, for example. At one end of the scale is more specific habits and items we use and the other end more general (and maybe harder to identify) ways of being. Each example listed relates to our human experience where there is something that we need that we are trying to meet ourselves whether that be safety, comfort, emotional regulation or a way of hiding, all born out of what we need.
Which brings me to the key to all of this... our needs.
The role of a parent is to meet the needs of a child. As children we all had needs and those needs were valid and essential for our survival. We needed to be fed, we needed to be held, we needed to be loved, we needed to be kept warm (Maslow's hierarchy of needs might be helpful if you wish to look further at this subject). We needed comfort if we hurt ourselves, we needed safety where we felt scared, amongst many other things.
When we are able to recognise where maybe some of those needs in childhood weren't met, we can start to piece together where some of our own artificial stabiliser behaviours may come from. We may start to see that a number of patterns of our behaviour are actually about ways that we are meeting our own needs ourselves because they weren't met for us when they needed to be - or whether they were met in ways that, now, don’t seem quite so healthy for us as adults.
Here's an example: As a child, whenever Sarah was upset or emotional, her mum would simply hand her a sweet treat. It made her feel good, it stopped her tears. Her need in that moment was for comfort, whilst her mum may have sought to appease her need, it wasn’t met in a healthy way- through emotional response and physical comfort of presence, but instead, through food. Now as an adult, Sarah finds herself reaching for sweet food in order to feel that comfort she needed whenever she feels emotions rising. The food makes her feel good and comforted- but the experience is short-lived and ultimately leaves Sarah feeling worse than before. If Sarah were to consider this as an artificial stabiliser, how might she want God to meet that need within her?
Another example - this one is about significance: Alex’s experience as a child was with a father who loved him but made him feel as if he never quite measured up. As Alex grew, his need to feel significant and valued by his Dad drew him into high powered, high stress jobs. Through these, he gained a name for himself, respect from peers and a high salary, but ultimately driven by his need for value, this stabiliser can only be met by a God who gives us our worth.
Maybe by understanding this about ourselves, we can start to find some self-compassion for our ways of being and behaviours that seem so hard to give up or walk away from or hand over to God. Maybe, we can start to entertain the idea that God feels the same way too- compassionate, understanding, empathetic and gentle to our ways that have felt so safe to us, despite offering us-often- very little safety or resolution in reality.
And so, what next?
Once we are aware of our artificial stabilisers, and the role that they play in meeting our needs, what do we do with them? Remembering that ‘My God shall supply all your needs according to the riches of Christ Jesus’ is a safe place to start. We belong to a living God who tells us that he is able to meet ALL our needs via his absolute riches that he wants to give us.
And then, asking and allowing God to reveal to us what the stabiliser is, where it came from, who we may need to forgive for not meeting that need in us, and choosing to hand it to him (where he says it is safe to do so). The precious thing about this moment is that in all of this, I imagine that God's favourite part is being able to tell you how he wishes to meet that need within you himself. And allowing yourself to consider life without that stabiliser and instead, keeping your eyes open and senses aware to how he chooses to do this in your everyday life.
God made us human and so is fully aware that our human habits are not easily broken. Sometimes you may notice a change straight away in your desire to use that stabiliser but sometimes these changes require perseverance and a commitment from us to start partnering with God and living out a new way of being that is treasured, held, and delighted in.
Whilst the above may seem simple (or not!) it is important to notice, again, your internal response when it comes to handing over old behaviours to God. This is because we only we are only able to do this when we have a felt or known perception of God that we can trust him to provide our needs and that he is safe enough for us to be able to do this. It is OK to notice if the concept of trusting him enough to do this is too much for you. Just as in human relationships, trust has to be developed and worked on over time.
Whilst we know that God is the most trustworthy being in the universe, our experience of human interactions who have let us down may leave us questioning whether he is in fact trustworthy as we project our fear onto him. Inviting God to show you the truth, alongside support from someone you trust will be key.
To re-visit the image of the child’s bike we described at the start, it’s worth noting that a child’s stabilisers aren’t whipped off ready for them to fall as soon as they get on the bike for the first time. There is a confidence growing, a practice, a trust in the parent that is necessary first. God wont ask you to take off something that isn’t safe to be removed, but he will help you see where you have stabilisers that make you ‘feel’ safe, but in fact are keeping you from him. There is also a reality that you may have developed many of these stabilisers in childhood…but as an adult these don’t serve you so well anymore, because you aren’t a child anymore. By letting yourself acknowledge how these stabilisers may have held you, but are no longer needed, is an important aspect of the healing journey. To then invite God into that need (we will always have needs!) is the essence of casting your cares on him/ letting him hold you/ putting your trust in him/ surrendering to him.